The Imaginary Hat...

Yes, an imaginary hat kept me warm today. I walked out at lunch time to return two books to the library and grab a bite to eat. As I stood on a mound of ice encrusted with dark brown dirt and rusty-colored pine needles, I thought, "I could really use a hat."

But I didn't want to risk missing the bus. So I stood there, waiting on a street corner, the brisk, cold wind sweeping through my faux fur coat. Shivering, I thought perhaps I could don my imaginary hat. Yes, this hat would have special powers far beyond what I ordinarily put on my head when the temperature drops below 32 degrees Farenheit.

This hat would of course be warm, and keep my gray cells moving like hyper-active speed skaters. My ears would retain their natural color, and not turn red. There'd even be a pair of retractable ear muffs for when the weather turns extra cold.

Of course this chapeau would not cause hat-hair. No, my hair would look like it had just been styled at this salon every time I take off my Super-Powers hat. Every time. That way I'd be ready for my close-up always - every follicle in place. It goes without saying this particular hat would not cause my hair highlights to fade. The color would remain just as vivid as the day my locks were dyed.

Get this - my Super-Powers hat would keep also keep those pesky grey hairs at bay. Any time I'd wear my hat, those grey hairs would have to go to another person's head. Probably the person next to me on the bus. Or maybe a mouse underneath the seat.

My hat's special attributes don't stop there. When I get on the bus, I don't have to swipe a bus pass in the meter. My hat automically deducts my ride from my checking account. Oh yes - I forgot to mention once I put on the hat, my bus of choice speeds to my location. Yes, it operates on the express schedule, which continues until I get off. How's that for a hat on a chilly day? I know! Don't you want this hat? It's a special order, I must tell you.

So I get on my bus, the no. 96, still dreaming of my imaginary hat which I'm thinking needs to be made now. But what of? I see my materials while I'm later on the elevated train - aha! A streetlight with vines twisted all around it. I figure I'll knit those together pronto with some ramdom pens in my purse. That'll keep me warm, although the hat wouldn't be imaginary the moment it's visible.

Then I think what if I drew my hat just like I drew that hamburger I was yearning for yesterday? Yes, what if I pull out the pen to sketch a hat on a piece of paper - say the bus schedule? I snip it out with the little pair of folding sewing scissors I always carry with me (even on airplanes), I put it on my head (the hat, not the scissors). I'm warm, even with a paper-thin hat. Who needs a hat knitted out of chunky fiber or sewed from shearling? Not when you cut out a hat on the double from a newspaper or even a bus advertisement.

This hat can be worn year-around. Yes, this very same hat can be worn in the summer. The fiber automatically transforms into a lightweight textile with a 40+ SPF sunscreen already built into it. Those earmuffs I mentioned earlier? They convert into two little fans, which come very much in handy when you're standing on the aforementioned street corner at mid-day when the temperatures are in the 90s. I should mention that you don't want to get your hair tangled up in the fans. Be sure to pull your hair up into a pony tail, pigtails or braids when you want to turn on the fans. There's a big warning label about that right next to the manufacturer's label. It says, "Do Not Remove This Warning or You will Be Sued if We Ever Find Out."

The fans also light up at night, making the hat ideal for bicyclists who don't want to wear a helmet but want something stylish that can be seen from afar on the ride home. You can opt for dancing neon green lights, but I personally like the flourescent pink lights, they're just prettier.

When it rains, this hat converts into an umbrella, as wide as you want to be! Just pull out the brim. No more carrying around pesky, bulky and heavy umbrella. One hat does it all for you! It can even withstand strong gusts of wind. It won't blow away either - as soon as it senses stormy weather, the hat clamps onto your head until you physically remove it. You don't even have to worry about drying out this accessory - it does that automatically thanks to a chemical in the fabric.

This hat turns into a flotation device when you go to the beach. Yes you can inflate it like a balloon. You turn it on right there, see that little switch next to the gadget that engages the fans? Yes, that thing.

You don't even have to recharge the hat. Ever! Just let it sit under the sun for a few hours and it's good to go. It's the ultimate environmentally friendly hat. It'll last forever too, so be sure to give it to loved one after you're finished using it. It's an heirloom all right. Good for the ages. Do you think my product will sell on this TV station?